then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
