I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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