She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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