hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
