Apparently you make a good broom.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
