I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
