I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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