I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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