Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
