I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
