I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
