If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
