So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I want a musical about memes.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
