It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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