I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
did you just send me my own nude
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
