Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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