Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
