I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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