I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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