sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
