Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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