6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
