i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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