im six kinds of drunk right now
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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