I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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