Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
