I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I need water and some morals
Randomize
