you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
