Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Never joke about your clitoris.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
