im six kinds of drunk right now
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
