Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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