You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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