im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
