I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
