Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
