Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Randomize