I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
