dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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