I wish I only lived at night.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
