I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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