I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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