Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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