I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We talked him into tasing himself.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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