The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
