I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
