Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
