we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
