maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
