DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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