My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
