Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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