Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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