I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
